Today I had my six week check up at the doctors.
Everything is tickity-boo. My recovery this time has been super. Within a day I was back looking after the Scruff household. I am exhausted and haven't actually slept yet but emotionally and physically I am fine. A stark contrast to my post labour experience with Little P. I didn't leave the bath for six weeks let alone my home. I was traumatised to say the very least.
The problem is, because I am back up and about, I am expecting too much of my myself. Unlike my first pregnancy when my tummy snapped back within a matter of days, this time I still look pregnant. Very. In fact how I look now is how I should have looked when I actually was pregnant. Problem is, I am feeling very self consious and I am struggling to keep my self esteem in one piece.
Those who follow me will know my bump was huge. It was massive. And just in case I had forgotton, I was reminded of its size daily. Everyone from my vicar to the girl who works in Fagins toy shop made comments about my size. Don't get me wrong, they were sympathetic comments. Despite my jokes, witty replies and comedy bump references, they hurt.
During the last month of my pregnancy I became very self conscious and my confidence took a beating. And I'm still whacking it around the head now. The bump has deflated and I am no longer the object of peoples concern but when I look in the mirror I want to cry. My tummy looks like a Salvador Dali and I can see all the stretchmarks my bump hid as well as all the ones I knew about. Getting dressed is depressing. I have one pair of tracksuit bottoms that look just about okay. When I lay in the bath, my body waves hello.
Now before I get a slew of comments about how six weeks is too soon to expect to see a change, and to pull myself together woman and stop being so selfish. I know this. I know that it takes ages for things to settle (I've worked in the media long enough to know that a tummy tuck is the celebrities secret). And I know that in just a few weeks the tummy will start to go down and by next summer, if I put a bit of effort in, the slackness will be tighter and the stretchmarks merely silver 'baby lines' that I don't give a second thought to. I know that these feelings I am having now will pass and they are as much to do with tiredness as they are confidence. And yes I am beyond happy that I have two beautiful and healthy children and I wouldn't have it any other way and my body is the last thing I care about. But I am human - a woman, not just a mum - and right now, today, this minute, I'm just a bit glum that I know my body will never be the same again. I am not a vain person. I won't lose too much sleep over this (I don't get enough sleep to waste), but the realisation that after two kids, my body will never be the same again, is worthy of a big sigh.
That super cute red velvet Luella skirt will never ever do up. The jeggings I bought to go back to work in after Little P, but never got to wear as I fell pregnant again will never be worn. Bikinis, banished. Topshop? Perhaps Notshop.
So, Mrs Scruff, it's time to pull myself together, challenge myself to a restyle, hit a host of new shops, Gok Wan my wardrobe, do a few sit ups, save for a posh swimsuit and learn to love what I see in the mirror. Embrace me, as this is who I am, stretchmarks, wobbly tum and all.
11 comments:
Can't help, you know everything everyone will say to you.
So just wanted to say you're GORGEOUS.
And pass you a steaming mug of tea with a slab of cyber fruitcake which is, of course, calorie free.
x
So beautifully written.
Our tummies are a little metaphor for motherhood, thinks me; Give life, stretched to the very limit, beautiful even when they are not, resilient and strong but easily deflated, soft, and we all have one. You don't stand alone mama xxx
You have said everything I told myself after my son was born. Body will never be the same, but its nver going to be easy to fully accept such a big change! My tummy went down, but never the same and I am scrared of what having number two will do (althought not expecting yet) I'm not vain either, but we have our womanly pride and who doesn't like to look and feel their best? I know I do! Really good and REAL post. Thanks :) Maria x @verybusymama
actually, you have really cheered me up. I was feeling so gloomy this morning, having caught sight of my sideways self and realising that four years after giving birth, I still look about 5 months pregnant. I've been in a bit of a *blah* ever since.
While reading your post isn't making my gut vanish or even making me feel happy, it makes me feel that I am normal. No tummy tuck here, just getting on with being a mum. And that is what it's all about. :O) thank you xxx
I remember this feeling well. My stomach looked like a saggy semi deflated beachball after the second. Sorry I can't magic it away for you but it *will* get better and you *will* start to feel semi normal again soon. Be kind to yourself missus. xx
My latest 'baby' is 17 months old and my tummy post-pregnancy got bigger, not smaller. it's a slippery slope... (that was to make you feel better!) x
Take heart I'm in the same condition. After my first baby I sprung back. However, after my second baby (the business) started, I have been pregnant for the last one year and am still growing.
Am terrified what I'll look like after my real second baby.
I think you just inspired a blog post.
It's taken my tummy years to get over my C Section and go back vaguely to what it was before. I've now come to see that it's never going to be perfect, and like you say I've just learnt to dress differently. Have fun shopping and spoil yourself rotten, you've earnt it xxx
For me it's my boobs (or total lack of after breastfeeding two children). Can hardly bear to look at them - ug!
S xxxx
My body snapped straight back after I had girly.. Boyo a completely different matter - I remember crying and dieting and exercising in a desperate attempt to make my tummy look remotely like it used to look - Boyo was huge and I had a c-sec.
I must say I've just stopped being bothered about it now - it's never going to be exactly the same & I just don;t care I'm amazing as I am - when fully clothed :)
You are expecting a lot though realistically to be back to how you were in only 6 weeks! It took 9 months to get you out of shape in the land of normal none celebrity types it takes 9 months - a year to put it back to a similar state x
Oh darling its far too soon to snap back after a second baby especially since you had yours close together. You will have your trim figure back just don't focus on it for now but treasure the little boy you have and the big girl. Besides BIKINIS are useless worn on the beach/pool with small tots clinging onto you. I should know I flashed everyone in the municipal pool when curly haired beauty kept yanking it down. So a one piece is very much more practical. I must send you a parcel soon been sitting in the hall to post to you for little L xx
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